It’s Not Who You Know… Part 3 Plus a Bonus!

Well by now I’m sure you’ve had a chance to play with the verbal and physical matching and mirroring described in the last two posts.  What?  You mean you haven’t?  That’s okay, after all not everyone wants to have the upper hand when communicating, especially during an interview.  The good news is that you can read all about it in the previous posts and I would suggest reading about it a few times while you’re getting better at these skills.

So today I want to go over the last of the 3 Keys to Basic Instant Rapport.

Key #3 – Assume you already have Rapport

That’s right. Go into any communication situation assuming that you already have Rapport.  Oddly enough, that initial assumption creates a quick connection with the other person.  Have you ever dealt with someone you know has a bad attitude and you automatically went into combat mode?  I’m sure that’s the reason why we’re all so eager to visit the DMV.

But go into a situation assuming you already have Rapport and watch the other person’s attitude change right before your eyes.

Recently, I had to go to the DMV.  It was an absolute madhouse and people naturally aren’t in the best mood especially the people working there.  They either react with a catatonic absence of emotion or by giving attitude back a hundred times.  Are the workers reacting to the people or vice versa?  It’s a real chicken and egg situation but since where talking about Applied NLP here it doesn’t really matter.  The situation is what it is.

By the time I got to the window, I had decided to make sure that I was assuming Rapport with the woman behind the desk.  Now was it my expression or body language?  I’m not sure but she noticeably relaxed and went out of her way to answer my questions.  I was out of there in a few minutes with a hearty “Have a nice day”.

Controlling your “State”

Or you might say attitude.  Misery loves company but really, a smile is contagious.

So here’s an exercise for you.  Take a deep breath and close your eyes.  Let out your breath slowly and remember the last time you had a really strong connection with someone.  It could be your spouse, your best friend or just someone you’ve met but really be in that moment.  Remember that feeling and give it a color.  Now imagine stepping into a bubble of that color and what does the world look like from there?  If it doesn’t feel that strong, make the color more intense and try again.  You’ve just created a filter that you can use to view the rest of the world.

So when you you go into a situation where you are interacting with others, try bringing that filter up around you and see how people react.  Get used to doing this regularly and try it in an interview situation.  You’ll find that the quality of your conversations will be at least 50% better.

Naturally, it helps to be qualified for the job you’re interviewing for but all candidates being equal, you’ll have the upper hand.

So in a tribute to Billy Mays who I mentioned in passing in an earlier post, here’s your Bonus Keychain to hold the Keys together.

If you’ve ever had a great conversation with someone that moved seamlessly from one topic to another to the point where you forgot where you started then you’ve had really great Rapport.

The problem with this is that it doesn’t necessarily get you where you want to go.

The real way to supercharge these tools and turn them into something that gives you an edge in getting what you want is setting your Intention.  You have to know what you want otherwise you’ll be having too much fun connecting with the other person to guide the conversation to where you want it to go.

So it’s great to just practice building Instant Rapport.  You’re communications with other people will be immeasurably enhanced.  But when you want to use these skills get something like say, a job, you have to make sure you keep your intention in mind.  Since most people don’t set an intention in their conversations they will go along with you.

Here’s an example.  Have you ever had someone try to sell you something and you definitely weren’t buying?  You set your intention against it and there’s nothing the other person could do to change that.  But have you ever been talked into something when you didn’t have that intention set?  I’d bet we all have.

I’ve been using these tools for over a decade and watched my career take off as a result.  After all, how many people can get someone interested in moving across the country for a job off of one phone call?

I highly recommend using these skills both if you have a job or if you’re looking for a new one.  You’ll be both surprised and happy at the results.

I look forward to any questions or comments you might have.

Remember, your skills are your job security.

Best,

James Seetoo

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It’s Not Who You Know… Part 2

Since we’ve established that Rapport is a key aspect of separating you from the crowd, how do you take this to the next step?

So by now you’ve ideally had your initial phone interview and you’ve matched the interviewer’s verbal speed and tone, had a great conversation and were invited to an on site interview.  No? Well maybe not yet since Part 1 only came out a few days ago.  At least I hope you’ve started playing around with matching speed and tone just to get the hang of it and see how it works.  Well, in the meantime let’s explore the second Key to building Rapport.  Now remember, although this communication strategy is aimed at interviewing, it’s really something that should become part of the way you communicate with everyone.

I had a comment from Irwin Hirsch about the last post asking how this works with non-English speakers.  Because this is part of non-verbal communication it creates a bridge regardless of language.

Key #2 Physical Matching and Mirroring

While you should continue to match the interviewer’s verbal speed and tone, in order to build deeper rapport we’ll move on to Physical Matching and Mirroring, an NLP technique that is used to quickly build rapport. Since about half our communications is through body language according to Mehrabian’s communication study, Matching and Mirroring is a subtle way of communicating that we’re on the same wavelength.

The key here is to match the interviewer’s posture.  In other words, if the interviewer is sitting with his arms crossed, cross your arms as well.  If he shifts, to lean to his right, lean to your left, mirroring his posture.  The key here is to wait approximately 3-5 seconds before moving to mirror the posture.

This is something that happens naturally when people are in Rapport.  What we’re doing here is directing the Rapport process to make it happen on demand rather than waiting for it to possibly happen. Take a look around you when you’re in a public place.  You’ll notice when people are in Rapport.  They will be matching and mirroring each others’ postures and body language.  It’s really something we take for granted but when you become aware of it, you’ll see it all around you.

Now you might ask, what happens when the other person says: “Why the hell are you imitating me?”

First let me say this – YOU WON’T GET CAUGHT!  YOU NEVER GET CAUGHT!

Now, I’m not saying that if someone yawns, you should yawn back.  That would be ridiculous.  Nor should you gesture while the other person is gesturing.  But if a person gestures while speaking you can certainly use similar gestures when you speak.

That being said, I’m sure it’s still in the back of your mind, “What if I get caught?”

Well here’s my favorite answer from Kenrick Cleveland, one of the real masters of NLP.  Kenrick recommends replying: “I was going to ask you the same thing.  Isn’t that weird?”

So here’s an exercise for you.

Start with postures.  If you’re sitting opposite someone, mirror that person’s posture.  Take note of the feeling that you get inside yourself – I find that there’s a feeling of closeness to the other person.  On the “woo-woo” level, there’s an energy exchange and notice the other person’s reaction. Once you get used to doing this it becomes very natural and as it becomes more natural, it becomes more subtle.  That is, if someone is sitting with her legs crossed, you might then cross your arms.

When you’re sitting next to someone then match that person’s posture rather than mirror it.

If you can find a partner to work with, great start with that.  Otherwise, just go out and play with it.  You’ll be surprised at the results.

Remember, your skills are your job security.

Best,

James Seetoo

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It’s Not Who You Know…

First, get your mind out of the gutter!  That’s not what I’m talking about.

Today I thought I’d touch on some of the skills portion of the blog that I promised previously – especially for those who have interviews coming up.

When there are a lot of people all trying to get the same job, trying to distinguish yourself from the pack can be tough.  There is something to the old saying: “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know” but I’d like to add something to it.  Its who you know who LIKES you.

If there are a bunch of candidates who are in the same ballpark skill-wise it’s the person the interviewer likes who is going to get the job.  After all, we spend an incredible amount of time at work and we want to be around people who we like.

And do we like people who are different from us?  No! We like people who are like us.  That’s why you hear all the HR mumbo-jumbo about a “good cultural fit”. What they are trying to say is they want someone they like – really someone who is like them.  Someone with whom they have – and please remember this word – RAPPORT.

We’ve all experienced being in rapport with someone.  We meet people that we just “click” with, there’s a certain chemistry with some people.  We can tell when people are in love by their body language and the way they might finish each others’ sentences or even when they’re walking together in step.  It’s not something that most people consciously think about.  The either “click” with some or they don’t.

But there are ways of generating rapport and over the next few posts I’ll be going into three covert keys to building rapport and successful interviewing.  Now they aren’t the only ones but these you can pick up and use quickly, easily and immediately

Key #1 – Matching verbal speed and tonality

This should be practiced regularly both in person and on the phone until it becomes something you can do automatically.  At first it will feel a bit strange but one of the main things to remember is that if you’re speaking with someone for the first time, they don’t know how you speak to begin with so you won’t get caught.  In a little while it will be just the way you communicate.

I’m sure you’ve had the experience of speaking with someone who speaks so fast you can’t understand her or so slow that you’re bored to tears and stop listening.  What that person was doing was “broadcasting” on a different frequency than yours and not getting through to you.  Everyone has a preferred speed of speaking and when you’re in rapport with someone you tend to speak at the same speed.  So if you consciously match your speed of speaking to the person you’re speaking with you’ll be communicating on the same frequency and you’ll be building rapport.

At the same time, we’ve all heard people whose tonality just rubbed us the wrong way – maybe like fingernails on a blackboard. (Not sure if they haven’t replaced most of those with dry erase boards but you know what I mean.  If not, watch Jaws).  When we match tonality and speed, especially on the phone the unconscious reaction the person you’re speaking with is to feel that you’re on the same page – that he likes you.

Now, it must be remembered that the speed at which someone speaks has nothing to do with intelligence, just with the way she processes information.  But when you do this, you’ll distinguish yourself from other people that are interviewing for the same job.  At the least, you’ll be a “good cultural fit”.

So here’s an exercise:

Start with matching someones verbal speed either on the phone or in person.  It could be someone you speak with on line at the supermarket or a recruiter on the phone.  Take note of that person’s reaction to you.  Does he open up more than in a casual conversation?  Is her body language more open?

It takes a little while to make it automatic but when you do you’ll be creating rapport very quickly and when you do that in an interview you’ll find that you are able to really distinguish yourself.

Remember, your skills are your job security.  The second covert key in the next post.

Best,

James Seetoo

I Lost My Job or How to Never Have a Boss Again

People are saying this a lot these days as unemployment continues to rise.  Try saying “I Lost My Job” to yourself and see how it makes you feel.  I would say it’s unempowering to say the least.

But I think it all depends on how you look at it.  After all, if you rent an apartment, is it really yours?  I would say, having “lost my job” that it wasn’t really mine to begin with.  What is mine is my Career and in essence the job I lost was just another assignment in my Career.  Now it was a pretty long assignment and it was great while it lasted but now’s the time to move on to the next one, part of which is this blog. I am now free to accept other assignments and that’s a pretty exciting thing.

Let’s think about it differently. What if you treated your job as an assignment and your “boss” as your client?  Wouldn’t it be a good idea to develop other clients within a company?  By doing that you’ll be building your network and support base within an organization while adding value to your clients which will follow you as your continue on in your Career.  And you’ll be developing that Career, something you actually own.

So take a deep breath, close your eyes and let it out saying “I Lost My Job” while keeping in mind that it wasn’t yours to begin with.  How does it feel now?  I’ll bet it feels different, that there are a lot more possibilities out there for your next assignment rather than your next “job”.

When there are a lot of people out there with the same skills it’s the Inner Game that will make you stand out.

I look forward to hearing back from you in the comments section.

Remember, your skills are your job security.

Best,

James Seetoo

I’ll Do Anything…But I Don’t Want To Go Into Sales

Okay, so how many of you have heard this or even said this?  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard it and even said it myself before moving into Retained Executive Search with Thorne, Brieger Associates.  So as this was my third career (more on that another time) you might say I was a bit behind the curve when it came to calling people up and pitching a job to them.

And it didn’t even matter that these were really, really good jobs.  After all, we were representing clients who were paying a lot of money to get the right person into a job.  But to be perfectly honest, staring at the phone, making myself pick it up and call someone who was just a name on a list was more than a bit intimidating.

And then I had one of the great Ah-Ha moments, I was in sales and oh crap, it was phone sales.  And no one likes phone sales right?  Well, I happened to read a book by Jay Abraham, called Getting All You Can Out of All You’ve Got and one thing that really stuck with me was his distinction between a customer and a client.  He wrote that a customer is someone you have a transactional relationship with and a client is someone whose interests you watch out for.

Hmmm – that’s interesting.  When you’re watching out for someone’s interest you have a totally different experience with that person and it became less about getting someone into a job and more about finding the right person to fit into the right role.

After taking this to heart, my interactions were less about selling and more about getting to know the person.  There were times when the person was right for the job but the location was wrong for her family and I came right out and told her that I didn’t want her to move forward.  By looking out for her best interests and that of her family it made my job harder but it saved her a lot of trouble down the line and I was able to come back to her for other opportunities and she was happy to take my calls and refer others to me.  And I was able to distinguish myself from all the other recruiters out there pitching jobs.

I had taken being in sales to a very different level and you know what, it was okay for me to say I’m in sales.  In fact, I tell people that I’m in very high stakes sales.  People say the biggest investment you can make is your house (and we know where that’s taking a lot of people) but I say the biggest investment (gamble) you can make is uprooting yourself and your family and moving across the country to take a job.

So what does that mean for you?

Essentially, it’s all sales, whether you’re selling your services, ideas or yourself in an interview.  It all depends on building relationships and giving value to others.

We’ve all had bad experiences with sales people – whether they’re trying the hard sell or the opposite “tactic” of ignoring the customer to go on their break.  Would you hire that person or buy anything from him?  I’ve walked out of stores because of bad customer service and if you haven’t you should try it sometimes, it’s good for the soul.

But then we’ve all had a great server in a restaurant or had someone in a store go above and beyond for us and guess what, we go back.  It’s a sale and it’s treating people like a client not a customer.

So approach your interviews as if you’re on a business call with a prospective customer.  Make it easy for the interviewers by interacting, not just answering questions by rote.  Gain rapport, take control of the conversation and leave the person happy they had a chance to meet you.  It might not lead to getting the job right then but they will remember you for the future and you’ve taken a step to expand your network.

More of that in my upcoming eBook, Career Control. (Shameless Plug!)

If you’re in a job, try treating people as your clients.  It’s a very fashionable thing to talk about internal clients these days but most of the time they’re treated as customers – give them what they want so they leave you alone.  Take an interest in why your clients need something and how you can help.  You probably have some good ideas that they haven’t thought of and they would appreciate your input.  After all they’re coming to you for a reason, hopefully to be more than a pair of hands.  And it’s that input that makes you more than an extra pair of hands, another cog in the machine.

So, who’s in sales?

All of us.  And once we accept that it makes it a lot easier.

Remember, your skills are your job security.

Best,

James

So Are You Kind of Like…A Headhunter?

Okay, so the answer to that one is yes…and no.  Let’s take a look at what a Recruiter actually does for a company whether inside a corporation or outside.

I think the term “Headhunter” is a little pejorative in that in any profession there are levels of professionalism and I like to think I’m at least a Billy Mays rather than a Vince for Shamwow.  Admittedly not necessarily the best comparison but Billy has his own show and and Vince has fights with hookers in his hotel room so you get the point.

For me, a headhunter is someone who is just shoveling resumes at a position hoping something will stick.  This person doesn’t take the time to get to know you, understand what you’re looking for and is trying to shoehorn you into something that might not be good for you and your family. Not pleasant and not someone who will probably be able to help you even if need a job.  In short, when this person presents someone for a job, the lack of credibility he/she has will often reflect on the candidate.

A long time ago way before I got into the recruiting game I worked for Gelles-Cole Literary Enterprises and later The Howard Morhaim Literary Agency and one of the things I learned along the way was that in publishing literary agencies act as a screen for editors who would otherwise be swamped by unsolicited manuscripts.

By representing a writer, the agent lends credibility to the writer. In a lot of ways, the situations is very similar to an HR person or a Hiring Manager getting hundreds of resumes most of which won’t be qualified and the ones that are qualified are generally lost in the shuffle.

The Recruiter are there to SCREEN IN the applicable resumes and generally if that Recruiter has a good relationship with the Hiring Manager, those resumes passed forward will be seen.  I don’t like to use the term “Screen Out” because a really good recruiter remembers people for other jobs to develop pipeline for the future. Naturally it takes a while for that relationship to develop but once it does, managers rely on their recruiters for great candidates.

So what does that mean for you, especially if you have a job and Recruiters are calling you and bothering you while you’re trying to keep your job by actually doing it?

Well, for one thing, a Recruiter is essentially like the doorman at a hot Las Vegas club – someone with the power to say NO.  So naturally if you have no interest in getting in to that club you can ignore the doorman but then there comes a time when you want to get in and it seems impossible.  But if you go early and develop a relationship with that doorman you have a much better chance of getting in when you want to impress your friends.

Naturally if you have really good looking friends that helps you get in the door – which is a lot like having a connection inside a company.

Can you say “Employee Referral Program”?

So even if you’re not looking, it’s great to develop a network of Recruiters and you can do that by listening to what they have to say and if they get to know you they might eventually be able to help you.  I recruited one person for three years (he always turned me down) before being able to bring him to my former company as a Vice President and he’s thriving in that position.

And if you are looking, be willing to help Recruiters out by networking with them on other positions.  Believe me, a good Recruiter will appreciate it and be more than willing to help you out in any way he/she can.  It’s all about having a great relationship.

So yes, there are Headhunters and Recruiters and of course people operate at different levels and you’re not going to want to be associated with everyone but if you’re able to build rapport with Recruiters, you will increase your chances of finding a new job when you need one exponentially or you might even stumble across something better than what you have.

Now I have to say that the Shamwow seems to be a pretty good product but would you buy a used car from Vince?

Remember, your skills are your job security.

I Am So Screwed!

Or something like that is what usually is going through your mind when you’re told your job is being eliminated. Hey, it’s happened to me twice, this time very recently and although you’re told that it’s not a “performance issue” the fact remains that on a date certain you’re not going to a job where someone is paying you money to do XY and Z.

Is it right to feel uncertain and royally pissed? Of course it is so take a few minutes, find a quiet place to scream into the wind, curse out your ex-bosses and use every stored up colorful cultural invective you’ve picked up over the years and ideally never used in front of your mother.

Feel better?

Good, now let’s get on to something that’ll help you move on to your next opportunity and y’know, it’s going to be a better opportunity as long as you approach it that way. You see, having recruited a lot – and I do mean a lot of people over the past few years, most of the time it takes something like this to get you out of your comfort zone. True, not everyone likes or can live on the edge all the time but it’s when you’re out of your comfort zone that the biggest and most profound development takes place.

So when my boss told me that my job was being eliminated (after two major projects were just about to be completed) I practically jumped for joy. Yes, it’s a “bad” economy and I probably wouldn’t have left on my own but right now it’s leading me in a lot of new and exciting directions.

So take a few minutes to get all the anger and hurt out of your system and take a look at this from a new direction. If you’re reading this, you know the economy is changing into something brand new and there’s a lot of opportunity out there to get on to something new and exciting.

It’s your attitude towards a job search and an interview that will be one of the first things people notice and no one wants someone bitter and defeated, be honest – if you were hiring someone you wouldn’t want to be in the same room as that person.

So take a deep breath, settle down and we’ll start with the first tip from the Recruitment Underground (technically the second since I guess the above is the first) in the next installment.

Welcome to the Recruitment Underground

Hi Everyone,

As someone who has recruited for both executive search firms and large corporations I think it’s high time someone revealed the secrets of getting your new, dream job.  The recruitment underground will be full of of the tricks of the trade to that will get you beyond those who have the power to say no to those who have the power to say yes, hire this person and beyond.  Remember, in a very real sense, you’re always interviewing even when you’ve been at a job for a long time.  Your skills are your job security and I don’t mean just your functional skills.

Check back soon for the next installment.

Best,

James Seetoo